[LN] Senpai, Jitaku Keibiin no Koyou wa Ikaga desu ka? - Volume 1 - Chapter 3 - Part 7

 

Chapter 3 - Useless policies (Part 7)

It was the 3rd shochu highball cup of the day.

After telling a story that Senpai found boring, he made another cup.

He explained that this drink was easy to make, just chilled whiskey mixed with soda and lemon juice, and since no ice was added, the soda was strong and tasted very good.

While making wine, a job I was already familiar with, I thought of senpai's childhood again.

It was not a great life.

He wasn't bullied or subjected to poverty. It was just an ordinary family like people everywhere, where he could buy whatever he wanted.

But, what should I say?

Compared to children with bad parents or living in poverty, she was still blessed by heaven. However, his statement that gacha parents were a big hit hit me hard in the heart.

I hated my father so much. But... when compared to senpai's parents, I think he's better.

The issue isn't about money.

It's about me being disgusted with his parents.

No matter how bad my father's personality is, he knows that it's his fault. No matter how hard my head pulls away, just go to school to take tests to get grades, and he'll leave me satisfied.

And there was the mother I loved so much. Once again I realized that I was truly blessed with a wonderful mother.

I was a child prodigy. Even so, when I was young, I still made many mistakes. As senpai said, those are the mistakes that make parents ashamed.

But my mother was never angry with me, not once.

My mother loved me, and taught me many things. Even if it was an applied exercise, you only need to master the basics to do it, but I still couldn't do it, Mom would still kindly ask me where I couldn't do it, and point out what I should do there. She was the one who would instead apologize to me for making a mistake and embarrassing me.

My mom loves me.

I have tried many things, because I have the power. I wanted to be praised, I wanted my mom to be happy to see me in this beautiful form that I had built.

So when my mom died, I was so sad. I couldn't even recover.

On the other hand, when senpai lost his mother, he remained calm.

Society would have blamed him. That, you grew up in such a good family, but in your heart there is no pain at all, what's wrong?

That's how they think.

This society, it really doesn't care about people's hearts.

There's no denying that senpai's parents raised him to be like this. They might not even look inside, just look outside and then judge.

But when I emphasized about people's inner selves, they interrupted me, they said, "That's too noisy, we don't need to know about that". I don't know how I understand that. But senpai could understand, so he probably lived to this day, just to follow the pattern he created.

Because I understand parental love, I also understand her disgust.

A flashy but empty shell.

My father, and senpai's parents, what they do is the same. When comparing which side is better, the balance is more in my father's favor. Of course, the difference lies in their awareness of what they are doing.

My father is aware enough to force me, so I can still understand.

But senpai's parents forced him without realizing it.

Those who are not self-aware are basically bad people.

This is an expression Senpai often uses. I finally understood what Senpai meant.

It's like being seduced into a satanic cult. They believe that what they are doing is right. And they think they are not wrong in the slightest, therefore, it is possible to impose ideas on others without regard for the feelings of others.

Hey, that's really...

"...horrible."

Fortunately I wasn't born of such people. My body trembled with fear but also felt relieved.

Maybe my face said it.

"You're not in the mood for a boring story?"

After giving the drink to senpai, he told me that with a wry smile.

I went back to my room, and closed the curtains. This hand knows what to do.

"No, I'm just sick of your bad breath senpai."

"Whose fault is it, whose fault is it?"

We made fun of each other.

I giggled, feeling like I was getting better even just a little.

"It's been spring since you ran away from your damn father, hasn't it?"

Although he calls himself the bottom of society, he rarely has to work overtime and seems to have a good relationship with his coworkers as well. It seemed Senpai was also aware that his low salary was due to lack of effort, not lack of ability. Just like that, he enjoys the life of a worker in this house, which is comfortable and peaceful.

I saw on the internet that programmers are exploited people who have to work overtime all the time, but Senpai doesn't have many signs of that. I guess he's in a good position in the company.

"No, not at all. I had a very long time before being recruited to my current company. "

But the answer is no. It looks like Senpai has other problems besides having a pair of damn parents.

"Getting into a good company means you have to study hard, go to a good school, and be enlightened by those who think they're as great as God, and take the work seriously. Only those who perform all those social rituals will be given challenge tickets."

I heard a "naughty" voice.

"Even in an environment full of defective products and inventory, I still can't work seriously. There are no qualifications, no skills, no one is better than anyone else. There is no ticket, only a debit note stating what you can't do. Do you know what company I work for?"

"Age, education, experience in the profession do not matter. Friendly senpai will guide and motivate you. A work environment like a rooftop, where people are friendly even outside of office hours, where hard work is rewarded, And if everyone has the spirit to work together to realize his or her dream of becoming an independent employee in the future, it's great."

"It's really miraculous. I didn't expect you to remember everything I said back then."

Senpai burst out laughing.

"Well, that's true. I chose this major because when I was in school, the only thing I could focus on was typing. I also dreamed of wearing a business suit."

"Wasn't Senpai really good at it before?"

"Well, I can still type romaji without looking at the keyboard. Then use copy and paste as a shortcut again. If you know about the technical configuration, then my knowledge of the world of information technology will be even broader. I have long dreamed of using these skills to advance my career."

"Senpai is a self-proclaimed computer-savvy man. And even if I'm hired, I don't think I can do this."

"Yes. So I'll have to get on the side of a boat with a bunch of idiots pretending to be computer savvy, to start the treasure hunt. "

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"The first 3 months of the internship. That's when motivation reached its peak. During training, the weakness appeared, but when looking at myself mistakenly thought it was my strength. I thought life was easy because I was paid for something as simple as that, and then began to look down on this society."

Senpai snorted, smiling contemptuously to himself.

"You carry that myth and contempt in front of your customers. The gap between ideal and reality has shocked me. I don't know about what I don't understand. The other party pays them for their resources, but what they get in return is a bunch of useless slugs.

The pressure is getting bigger and bigger."

Senpai said it was an internship, but in the end he only understood a few words of ABCXYZ. Then the company sent it to some English-speaking markets, and encouraged to go there, let's try it. I thought it was a pirate ship, but it turned out to be a slave ship.

"It's a modern-day slave ship, isn't it?"

"Well, if you don't work, don't ask for food. They don't treat the employees like humans. Really, those days are like hell."

"Why don't you quit your job?"

"Somehow I still managed to get through it. I asked for help, did my own research at home, and did my best. I've proven that I'm useless, but capable if you try."

"Capable if you try, as senpai expects a senpai to be."

Even at a time like this, Senpai could calmly flatter herself.

"Rena, do you know what the true nature of those who are capable is if they try?"

However, that voice made me realize that I was wrong. It wasn't self-satisfaction, it was self-mockery.

"True nature?"

"A person who is capable if he tries, does not mean that person is wise. A lazy person who makes no effort to look into the future in the present situation can also be taken into account. Even the idiots who sit on the bonfire eventually raise their asses to face the problem. That is their true nature. And those who fail to do so are considered useless in society."

Those who can afford it if they try.

It sounds like self-praise, but it's not at all.

"After 2 years of moving from one customer to another, I finally stayed at my current company. I didn't expect anything, but the department head at the time judged that, "This slave has an unexpected job.", and then suggested me to his superiors to let him in. Just like that, you left the ship, evolving from a slave to a piece of trash in the lower society."

Senpai was originally not a bad person, just a worthless adult. That was why he was able to analyze his own personality.

"This type of recruitment is taboo in the industry. It's one thing for the old man in the room to watch over her, but I myself can't raise my own head to the superior who pushed her across this dangerous bridge. At first I just thought, I'll do my best under these people. When the environment becomes more comfortable, I won't want to try anymore. My social position now is that I'm satisfied with my current position, even if it's at the bottom. Wherever you go, you are still you. Someone who is capable if he tries."

Senpai had once been the proud son of his parents. But that was because he didn't want them to be angry. Being watched, Senpai had to try. But when those eyes were gone, Senpai became what he is now. Perhaps because he had no ambition, he became like this.

"Senpai is amazing."

From the bottom of my heart, I respected Senpai, as an extraordinary person.

"Finally, I heard something like that. Did you come to that conclusion after hearing the story?"

"You're comparing yourself to me."

I ran along these social rails while finding the intersection of my way of life. Even if it was considered the bottom, I understood that I could take care of myself.

"Can I speak directly?"

"It's a little late, but don't hesitate to speak."

"That Senpai, not given a family, has no advantage over others. Senpai also said, that you are not very handsome either."

"I told you to speak freely. But I'll pretend I didn't hear the last one."

"Compared to such a senpai, I feel how blessed I am. I've dealt with it."

"Am I blessed?"

"Gacha was born a 5-star mother and sister, born as a miracle from heaven. And a beautiful high school girl with big breasts."

"Hey, you really like that title, don't you?"

"Te-he!"

I laughed fondly.

"I always thought my father's gacha was a great success, until I compared it to senpai."

"What, did you change your judgment about me?"

"My father wasn't the nicest guy in the family, but as president he did a good job. ATMs spend money secretly, as long as the results are good. And I'm very good at using it."

My sister willingly accepted her father's way of life. She grew up in her mother's loving arms, so she grew up without rebelling. Even with such a father, she still knew how to love her family properly.

So my brother was always loved by everyone around. Even though I was envious, jealous, he was still loved for doing things that were in accordance with nature. Moreover, he is not a naive person who is so careless with life that he is comfortable with people like my father.

She is appreciated just for being serious. Be a blessed human being.

"You and I were given the same thing, but look at me."

After all, what is this difference?

"If I'm a useless child because I've gone beyond the concept of 'A person who is capable if he tries', then I see myself as worse than that."

Is that laziness.

I turned my back on the future, just like that, refusing to do what should be done. And when it came time to correct my mistake, I was forced to do so. But I chose the easiest path, running away from my problems rather than solving them.

I'm a failure, lazy, can't even be called useless.... No, I was just a coward, because I couldn't even stand up and fight back.

I had turned a blind eye to my reality for so long in front of senpai, and now when I looked back once more, I was shocked again.

"Not really. When compared to senpai, I've always been blessed, but I can't stop laughing at myself, believing that I'm an unlucky girl."

I can't believe that even though I was blessed, I ran away from something I didn't like, and put senpai in a dangerous situation like this... I'm so selfish, and it makes me laugh out loud.

Lately I've been learning to love myself more, but now I hate it.

"That's right. Looks, talent, family. Everything you never gave up. I also see through the problem, but... your difficult way of life, as expected, is because you are lazy."

Senpai smiled.

I have seen many people who were blessed but lamented their suffering. I have seen my own absurdity of ignoring the results of my lack of effort, and my own laziness, with ears closed, eyes closed, and then I scream to myself that I am an unlucky child.

I used to think so, but,

"I really am unlucky."

Senpai told me directly that I was an unlucky person.

"Trying to solve all the child's problems by yourself, that's wrong from the start. Adults have a role to blame for them, let them see how to solve problems. At least that's the social standard of this country"

Is Senpai thirsty? I heard him swallow.

"My problem is mental, like a useless snail. I can see that I've realized it, but you don't want to do anything with it. If so, then the adults around me should try to find a way to solve this problem. "

Senpai sighed in surprise.

"Instead of yelling at the children to send them to school like fools, they should face the root of the problem. Do great adults ever do that?"

"There is no such thing as an adult."

"Lying. Yes."

"Where is it?"

"Not here."

A serious joke.

Yes. There was an adult who faced my problem, and cared about me.

For 5 years, I used to hate the sound that came out of my throat. I even felt guilty about it.But now, naturally, my throat could convey his thoughts.

"This is a problem that can be solved easily, if you use your head like me. The adults around me always ignored their role. Because of that, my communication disease is getting worse. That's my problem."

The problem has been haunting me ever since, senpai just threw it away.

It was not my fault that I did not face the problem and kept running away. It was the fault of those around me who ignored a simple problem for so long.

This is not just a consolation for me.

From the bottom of my heart, senpai believes that my troubles stop there.

I was so happy that my heart felt like it was going to explode.

"So in conclusion, your sister is very useless, right?"

...That's why the new pain came.

The only person who continued to deal with my problems was my older sister. Since the day I started withdrawing, she did the same thing over and over again. No matter how nice she was, the solutions she offered didn't change.

Go to school. This will cure my communication problem.

I know she thinks of me more than anyone else in the world.

But what I want is not the kindness of thinking about my future.

I want him to give up, and treat me like he used to.

I know it's my fault, but I ignore it, and I never know when I start blaming him again.

Why can't he understand me?

Senpai said if you knew how to use your head it would be fine, the problem is my brother doesn't know how to use it. It hurts so much that the person who always thinks of me like him can't do such a simple thing, it makes my heart flutter.

"He... does he listen carefully to what people say?"

Senpai lamented the silly child.

"The 5-star character said, but maybe my brother is still a child."

"A..."

I forgot the details. Stupidity was now trembling in my throat.

"He learned about the laws of this world by worshiping a god-like teacher. He's just a serious schoolboy, where he's being taught about society by a great god. It's terrible to let such a person guide a child."

"A..."

My throat trembled again.

Not because of bitterness.

Nor was it from grief.

"I became like this because adults abdicated their responsibility, that just knowing the essentials of living in society, and trying to learn, was enough."

First of all, my older sister couldn't do anything for me.

It was like I was the one who was saved because I knew that truth.

My sister did her best to guide me in her own way. The hand that tried to guide me, from the start couldn't guide me.

My brother was the one who thought of me more than anyone else. It's not that you don't care about me. He was just trying to lead me in a childish way.

It felt like the thorn that pierced my heart was now released.

"Um... um..."

The liquid from the thorn wound flowed down my cheek, making my hands wet.

Ah, I just realized it now.

The reason I was always sad, wasn't because she didn't care and love me.

I was sad because I hated my older sister whom I had always loved.

Perhaps my sobs had reached senpai's ears.

He smiled gently as if comforting me.

"You who trample on the misfortune of others, you are blessed, and I am the unlucky one. There are many criminals who still open their mouths as if they were fools."

I knew that. I learned about society through the internet, rather than going to school like everyone else.

Indeed, the anonymous society is a toxic hell.

"Don't mind those three nonsense. If you have a golden heart that worries about the people at your feet, it will no longer trample on the misfortunes of others. Then why should we care about them?"

Yes. Hell is full of contradictions. They can be harsh, but in the end, the selfish thing they want to say can be summed up in one sentence:

"Take care of yourself", that's all.

"The kind of people who just stomp around and blab about how unhappy they are, like you, don't need sympathizing or comforting. Shut your mouth and get out of here! That's enough mocking!"

A bold statement coming from senpai's side.

I agreed with him, but this was annoying. If Senpai said all those statements on social media, he would get a lot of hate.

"When it comes to comparing your life to others, if only to console yourself that you're better than them. If I find myself unhappy, then yes, I am unhappy."

So thinking like that, it's okay.

Senpai encouraged me like that.

"Because it's true, isn't it? You made a decision and jumped into the life of a worthless adult like me. Life is destined to be unhappy."

Regardless of the form, bitterness and sadness are too real.

I am a living being who can overlook anything, no matter how evil I am. Then why should I hesitate to shout that in my situation, I am the unlucky one?

My respect for the person who reminded me of that is increasing.

"So Rena. It's okay to shout proudly that you're the unlucky one."

Senpai said that, but it ended up sounding like sexual harassment.

It's not that he wants to rape me, or play around with me. (It's just senpai's habits that need to be corrected).

Well, he really is a worthless adult.

"Really, you're a man of honor on the inside."

"What about outside?"

"I'm afraid you're not very handsome either."

"Let me tell you today what it means to count ceiling leaks."

 "Kyaa, I'm going to get raped!"

So I tried to follow that back to follow the example, like a useless child.

"Ah that's right."

Senpai spoke up as if he had just remembered something.

The call creaked.

The curtains were shiny, I couldn't see what Senpai was doing.

The door opened without a word, I bent down to look at something.

"See, this is the benefit of living."

He gave me a plastic bag. The bag was colored so I couldn't see anything inside. I guessed the inside was probably clothes, given the weight and feel to the touch.

I gave him the question "Can I open it?" for the exact meaning. Senpai nodded, then I opened the plastic.

"Ah..."

I can't see it well because it's folded and wrapped, but I know right away what it is.

It's an apron.

"Thank you so much for picking me up in my underwear the other day. It will be less embarrassing if I wear this. "

Perhaps she's referring to my exposed underwear incident the other day. Because I was so excited, I forgot, and ran out to meet him with an unbelievable look.

If I wore this apron, it would act as a line of defense, just in case I didn't notice.

"Thank you."

I was so happy.

Is this how happy it feels to receive a gift? So much so that it reminded me of a long-lost feeling.

I held it tightly to my chest, as if holding something very important to me.

"I'm glad it's nice."

"I'm very, very happy."

The more you forget the feeling of shame, the more genuine joy will naturally arise. Then my left hand reached for the keyboard.

"So they kissed happily, finished. It's so touching that I can complete the happy ending."

"Just come. You don't mind."

"But your mouth smells so bad, it won't be a happy ending, too bad."

"Didn't I start it?"

"Fufu"

I pursued my joke to hide my embarrassment.

Senpai turned his back and closed the curtain. Does he care about his mouth, or is he afraid of me? What is the end of this case?

I quickly opened the plastic and saw what was inside.

Judging from the quality of the fabric, I'm sure it's not from a cheap seller or anything. If so, Senpai might not have chosen it.Dyed in color, not in pattern, meaning it's more practical than just for show.

The color is yellow. Not a dazzling yellow, but a nice-looking green with a hint of yellow.

The color senpai planned to give me. Perhaps he was dizzy thinking about whether it was right for me.

Once again I felt happy, then suddenly I remembered something.

Once upon a time, my mother chose to buy a pair of hairpins for her two daughters. I was always happy to receive gifts from my mother, but only once did I feel dissatisfied.

I wanted to be like my older sister in every way. Although the hairpins were both the same shape, only the colors were different.

My sister's was bright red, and mine was the same color as this apron.

Mother then gently patted my head, explaining why she chose that color.

"This is your color."

"Your... color?"

"That's right. It's the color of maple leaves."

My mom chose that clip because it was the same color as my name. Seriously, there were closer colors, but the important thing was that my mom thought of me. My displeasure at not being able to share the same hairpin color as my sister's soon disappeared, replaced by an overwhelming feeling of joy.

I hadn't even told senpai my real name yet.

I was surprised by the coincidence, so the two words "fate" popped into my head.

So I put on my apron. I wanted senpai to see it. The desire overflowed.

Wear it and show off your new gift. If Senpai sees me having fun, I'll be embarrassed.

But I want to wear it now. I want him to see me like this.

After wondering what to do, I suddenly remembered that I brought "that thing", which might be of use.

*

It was an apron that I suddenly thought of buying, but didn't think it would make her so happy.

The way she hugged it tightly as if it was something very important and smiled at me, like a painting.

I tried to see Rena as much as possible within the framework of our story, but only this time, I felt a fluttering feeling.

I know, but as expected Rena is too cute.

Why would such a cute girl work as an ART in my house?

It's also because she's not surrounded by a single adult. I can only laugh at the irresponsibility of those who judge our way of life.

If only when I met her, I was 10 years younger than her. Then I wouldn't have hesitated to jump into a relationship with her.

The reason I didn't is because I have a heart of gold that cares about rules and ethics. I wanted to keep Rena's little bird clean, until the day she left the nest. I didn't want to ruin the beautiful life she was about to master.

That wasn't going to happen.

I just don't want to go too far and complicate our relationship, just because I'm comfortable. I'm just afraid of losing everything I've built.

If I were asked if I liked Rena, I would answer that I liked her a lot. It's the first time I've liked someone so much.

I'm a useless adult, but I swear I won't be a bad person. The true nature of this thought and its perception, at least I'm well aware of it.

This is not the kind of true love that can be shown to the rest of society. A sweet girl who would do anything for herself. If Rena doesn't mind the salary with ART, the return price is worth it to me. And she's also my playmate.

Rena is the embodiment of lust that distorts people. And I expressed good intentions only because she was just a "convenient" existence for me, nothing more and nothing less.

Is that true? If I really cared about Rena, I would have thought of something to change her dark future. The reason I haven't is because it's not true love or anything.

The love that exists in my heart is just a selfish and petty love.

"...Senpai!"

As I was analyzing myself, I saw Rena peeking at me through the gap in the half-open curtain.

Her cheeks were red as if she was embarrassed.

After taking a deep breath, Rena decided to open the curtain.

She presented me her body wearing an apron.

The items I chose for their practicality are less than 5 digits, but they are quite expensive.

That's the dignity of an adult. Even if it's an employee benefit, even if the item is cheap and comfortable, I'm not sure I'd buy it.

Rena's casual wear is usually dark in color, so I tried to choose lighter colors.

Red and pink were too prominent, and my intuition told me that those colors suited her, but it seemed that my color perception was getting worse.

"Hmm...?"

I felt something strange.

Rena didn't take off her clothes, but only put on her apron. It looks like a change of clothes.

But why change clothes to wear an apron?

"Isn't that strange... isn't it?"

Rena spread her hands, worried about her current appearance.

She turned around for me to see.

Aprons in Japan are called maekake (windshield). Then why show it on the back?

 "What is it?"

This is not a suitable answer to the question "How do you look?".

It's not that she looks weird. Just a blazer with a miniskirt. A set of clothes that can't be considered rare.

And that's why I was surprised.

"High school uniform... ah."

Rena's voice was as soft as a mosquito's cry.

No stuttering, no awkwardness. Which is the result of shyness.

I understood that, I didn't need to ask the opposite "Why high school uniform?" anymore.

Rena is wearing a uniform. Her current appearance is as if she is emphasizing the "high school girl" part of "big-breasted high school girl".

"So what is it?"

I repeated my answer, without understanding Rena's point.

Why is Rena wearing a high school uniform at home? I knew Rena brought her uniform here, but I didn't understand why she brought it.

"I thought... I could use it..."

"Could be used... for what?"

The uniform is for school clothes. It could also be worn to celebrate a wedding or funeral, but I'm sure I can't guess what this case is for.

I could understand if she wore it to go out, and make a few drops of alcohol as a high school girl. But it's not like Rena at all.

It wouldn't be comfortable to wear it at home.

"Ah... um..."

Why is Rena so embarrassed? She hesitated about her intention to wear the uniform.

It's not just one or two words. You can tell me directly. While promoting your "power", you can show it to me with your hands, but for the purpose of wearing the uniform, it's enough to use my mouth alone.

Rena took out her cell phone from her apron, her hand moving.

The phone notification tone rang.

I took a sip of my highball, and checked my phone screen.

"On the battlefield."

"Uhuk uhuk...!"

Being attacked by surprise, I spat.

Sipping wine in the wrong place made me cough.

Rena held the phone and covered her mouth to hide her embarrassed face.

"Kya! Why do I care? That miracle gave me a huge headache. "

Her face and words didn't match. But it was clear that she was covering up her embarrassment.

Although she had prepared in advance, she didn't expect him to bring such props. I felt surprised.

Ah, then it must be.

Maybe Rena wanted to make me happy from the beginning, even at the same cost.

 "She, really, enthusiastically served me in this cursed place."

I took a small sip. Then passed the cup of wisdom

"Then I'll accept this favor, for now, let's just enjoy the services of this beautiful and busty high school girl, shall we?"

The high school girl is wearing an apron.

It gives love to every story, it makes the whole army into a brutal frenzy.

*

"So, this is it!"

"You go carefully!"

As usual, I escorted her to work until the living room. I really wanted to take her to the main hall, because when senpai left the house, she couldn't see me from outside anymore.

My daily work started with preparing breakfast, changing clothes for senpai, etc. Senpai also usually leaves the house at a certain time, so I also edit the schedule in a certain order. It's not that I'm busy, but I value my morning time.

So when I take senpai home from work, it's time for me to rest after finishing my morning chores. I still have to clean up, do laundry and prepare dinner before senpai comes home, but time isn't as pressing as when doing morning chores, so I can relax and be comfortable doing what I like.

The apron that senpai gave me. I stripped off my usual valuables, draped them over the chair, and flung myself onto the bed to rest for a while.

The only bed in the house was Senpai's. I was surrounded by his scent, but I didn't feel uncomfortable at all. On the contrary, I want more of it.

I... love senpai.

Not the kind of love I have for my mother and older sister.

It is love for someone of the opposite sex.

I want to be with her for a very long time, even if time is measured in seconds. I was dominated by this moment of separation by nostalgia for her.

I was a child prodigy. I understood very well that this feeling was not true love as defined by society.

I had given up walking into the future with these legs.

I closed my eyes and turned my back on the future, seeking only the happiness of tomorrow.

Senpai was the one who lifted me up, giving me joy and comfort. He gave me happy days, and I allowed myself to do so.

It was not kindness that thought of my future, but only temporarily pouring sweetness into daily life.I interpreted it as "Only this person understands me", and I don't know when it became the foundation of my soul. Because she was "comfortable" to me, I admired her very much.

Society would call this feeling dependence, not love. They will impose morals that are not true love on my head.

I don't need this pretentious society to lecture me, because I know best myself.

I know...

"Senpai..."

But I miss him, when he's not around, my chest hurts.

I love Senpai so much that in my heart I hope he comes home soon.

I buried my face in the pillow, hugging him as if seeking warmth.

Day after day, that's how I ignored the so-called morality of this society.

I was the only listener and the problem born of a happy life came out.

There was a truth, not true love, but a bond born from two words "nya-man". Society was right, and I turned a blind eye to it.

I didn't care about that nonsense, and continued to ignore it as usual. Maybe my instincts were screaming at me that this feeling was more than just a dependency.

Suddenly, a question popped into my head.

First of all, what exactly is society?

Not with the role of the subject, but with its concept and definition.

I was suddenly curious, so I opened my phone and searched for the word "social".

It wasn't that I was looking for answers. Just curious and thirsty for new knowledge.

All the knowledge in the world can be found on the internet. I decided to scroll through the Wiki silently first.

The list of difficult words almost made my eyes fall out. I understood what they meant, but nothing was as interesting as I imagined.

I kept looking for what "socialization" was, but of course it was no big deal.

Socio-cultural values and norms, can be achieved through learning in adulthood.

The only thing I understood was that the values and social norms that defined these feelings were not love.

I didn't expect anything.

In the end, I decided to look for something social, and quickly put an end to this.

"Desire... society"

What caught my attention was what I said unintentionally.

Thup, that precious thing hit my head. This is what I wanted to know, and now I know the answer.

"The desire to receive goodwill from friends... The desire to be recognized"

I read aloud the things on the list, as if it was just for me to hear.

I remember the first day I met senpai.

I was considered a pretty girl by him. The more my heart beat, the more excited I became.

Desire for recognition that I wouldn't receive, even from my older sister, from my father, or from the extroverts out there.

I had always ignored the nature of desire, but now the answer had come to me. Once again I remembered the meaning of society.

"Society is a group of individuals engaged in interacting, communicating and influencing each other, or a large group sharing a common spatial area, often governed by organization and order."

I couldn't communicate with my sister and father.

Nor could I influence them, to make an impact.

I couldn't stand the organization and order in which they existed and respected.

I understood why I suffered so much when I was with the two of them. Because I belonged to another society.

I belonged to the society that senpai and I had built together, the society with just the two of us. The reason why I was happy to be regarded as a beautiful girl was because I had received goodwill, and at the same time, I had received recognition from that part of society.

While continuing to read about social developments, a new answer came to me.

My desire to have a soulmate, someone who understands the real me, is getting more intense. Devotion to a particular individual can sometimes turn into a longing for admiration, or even love.

It happens during adolescence.For girls, it's usually between 11 and 13 years old.

The person on the other side of the screen was a soulmate, a human who understood my true nature. I realized that I had been blindly worshipping him.

The real world is out there, I don't have the skills to survive out there.

After all, the social rails out there are always illuminated by the sun.

The people who lived out there grew up enjoying that light, but I couldn't stand it. That scorching heat would only dry up this young sprout named Kaede Fumino.

Running on that path would also mean telling me to find a way to die.

Why couldn't Kaede Fumino bathe in the sun? It was because it was a plant that could not photosynthesize.

I let go of the hand pulling her toward the track, and sought safety in the unique society she belonged to. Kaede Fumino believed that the land across the street, the land where sunlight did not reach, was her ideal oasis.

My society and Senpai were the smallest social unit, consisting only of Senpai and me. Until now, here, we still do social activities and live our own lives. Here, I finally acquired the ability to photosynthesize.

And now with that ability, I can reproduce in the land of light.

But... no longer do not retreat.

I ran away from home and plunged into the life of a grown man.

My life now has a stain on it.

But now it doesn't matter anymore.

Now I can face my brother. I can talk to her. Even though I became like this, but I want you to acknowledge me. If I pray to start over with him, he will definitely forgive me.

I will try to get a high school diploma, or choose to pursue distance education. It'll be easy, then I'll easily get into university. My brother will take care of the social fees, so it will be easy. During that time. I'll become a beloved character like my elder sister.There will come a time when I laugh at why life is so easy for me, and then begin to shyly reminisce about the days as a child prodigy.

Oh, what... bland. Boring. Another life slipping away from happiness, where I saw no value, other than starting over with my beloved older sister.

The dependency I took after leaving the rail. Compared to that, happiness was too small and bland.

The outside world would probably criticize me behind my back that there was no point in being satisfied with this dependency. They will try to ridicule that life is so miserable, and you won't find your true love.

However, this is a matter of definition.

In the land of light, perhaps to them, this is not true love. But in the end, does that definition have any value, when it applies to a society that is not my own?

The society I joined was the society that senpai and I built together. So we, the members of this society, will define it ourselves.

As I said, I turned a blind eye to the real society. I can be sure that this dependence is not in vain, and I am satisfied with that.

It made my life easier, more fun, and more peaceful.

But my sister is a sensible person, so she definitely wouldn't accept this kind of happiness.

If so, I'm sure I'd hate him again. I know this is hard, painful for me.

I don't want to think like that anymore.

Please, I still want you to love me like this...

"I'm sorry, Onee-chan..."

I don't want to see you anymore.

And then my dependence spoke,

"Senpai... I don't want to leave you!"

I have chosen a society where I can define my own feelings, which is true love.

VOLUME 1 - END

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